What the Hell?!?!

**I originally posted this on October 2, 2011. This was about my first marriage and it’s worth sharing with people going through a divorce.

Divorce

In life, there are moments where you can’t help but stop, look up, look around, take a deep breath, and ever so sweetly ask yourself and all who might be listening, “WHAT THE HELL?!”

Maybe I should back up a moment, let me explain myself. I have a tendency to keep things to myself. “Dude, I can handle it.” I am also the type of personality that likes to please. I don’t like to fail and I only want people to be happy. My marriage was never perfect, which I know no marriage is. However, I had a tendency to make my marriage come across as being so much better than it was. I didn’t want family or friends to know that I had my doubts. I didn’t want my marriage to fail. Our difficulties started during our second year of marriage. However, I being myself, swept it under the rug with a huge smile on my face and kept on truckin’. I didn’t want my family to know that I had failed at marriage. Before we were married a few people had already let it be known that they didn’t believe our marriage would last so again, me being the stubborn self I am, I refused to let anyone know that I wasn’t sure how this marriage was ever going to work. I came to the conclusion that I would live my life just being alright with how my life was. I wasn’t extremely happy, but I had my happy moments. Those few and far between moments could be enough to last a lifetime, right?

Oh isn’t it funny, how things never turn out the way you expect them to? Life has a way of shaking you to the core. I was going to graduate college, get married, have kids, grand-kids, and live out my life “til death do us part.” HA! More like “til divorce do us part.”  Do you ever really get to know someone? Did I ever truly know who he was? Did I even know who I was? What was the point of our marriage, if it wasn’t meant to last? Will I ever know the point of our marriage?

I think I had this preconceived notion of marriage. I think I truly believed that if you worked hard enough and didn’t quit then it would always work out. However, hard work and even love doesn’t always prevail, which is sad because this is not something I want to teach my future children. Isn’t hard work and love something we want our future generation to believe in? How do I pass that along, if I don’t believe it myself? How do I pass it along if it isn’t true? Don’t I want my children to know the truth and be prepared for their future? Life isn’t always about sugar-coating things and that’s how I had been dealing with my marriage. If I put enough sugar-coating on top of the pile of sour unhappiness, that was my marriage, then the sugar had to beat out the sour, right? No, it only created bitterness. Bitterness stuck to our relationship like glue and weighed us both down. The truth is, I don’t want to sugar-coat for my kids. Life sucks. It’s hard. It’s scary. Frankly, it’s a bitch! But it’s beautiful. It’s sweet. It’s heartwarming and it’s full of pure moments. Hard work and love might not always prevail, however, if you can look back and know 100% that you gave it your all then isn’t that what we want our children to believe and live by. It may not end the way you want it to or the way you have planned for it too, but if you tried and you truly loved with every inch of your being then isn’t that what life is? I want my children to love, to love without fear because yes you get hurt, but without taking those risks you will never have the rewards. We loved for a short time, but we did love. I refuse to believe that it wasn’t love. We had our good moments, we had our great moments. And someday, that will be enough for me. I’ll look back and be ok because I will be looking ahead and seeing a brighter future and this time it will be with someone that with a little hard work and love…..we will prevail.

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