Living in Constant Fear
**I originally posted this on January 6, 2012.
Written: September 23, 2011
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop” means to await an event that is expected to happen, due to being causally linked to another event that has already been observed, according to the Urban Dictionary.
Fellow divorcees, did you feel like you were living in constant fear after your divorce? I feel like I have this constant dark cloud following me wherever I go. You always hear that a relationship is “50/50” and that “it takes two.” So what did I do? Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? I keep digging and asking those questions but do I really want to know the answers. Do I really want to know exactly how much was my fault? I felt like I lost a part of who I was after the divorce and sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever find that part of myself again. Who was I before I was married? And an even bigger question, do I want to be that person again?
I’m dating again and I have found a really nice guy (Update: said really nice guy, had issues and relationship is now on cutting room floor). And the fear rears its ugly head, full force. I don’t like this feeling. What makes it even worse is that I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t like this prior to the divorce. So I am going to do the “not so” mature thing, at the moment, and blame such feeling on my ex!! 🙂 Hehehe…..I earned being able to use that excuse! 🙂
January 6, 2012
In my almost 7 months of divorcee experience, I believe I have become quite the expert. 🙂 or so I tell myself. Do I have all the answers to the above questions? No. Do I still want to know all the answers to the above questions? No. I’ve realized that yes I’m sure there is something that I could have done differently. I’m not perfect and I will never claim to be. At this moment, I can’t pinpoint the exact things that I could have done differently or better. However, what I do know is this…..before we decided to officially separate, I could not have tried harder to save the marriage. I also know that even though it was a difficult decision to make, at the time, it was the right decision. There will always be some that don’t agree with that and think that I did wrong or could have done more. However, I DO NOT have to answer them. I only have two people who I need to worry about answering to and that’s myself and, above all, the good Lord above. I have also come to the conclusion that no matter what I did or may have done wrong, in some peoples’ opinions, will EVER warrant an excuse to stray. Period. I went through a time where I thought something must have been wrong with me to make him look elsewhere, but I was stupid and not thinking clearly. The truth is I did nothing to deserve that betrayal. I’m all for admitting that I made mistakes, but I will not take the blame for the unfaithfulness. I’m in the process of forgiving him. I’m ready to move on and I am ready to let go. Life has got so much to offer me. I will find my prince charming and this time he will be a true man, a true gentleman. I have also decided that it’s not worth the fear I was feeling when I wrote the diary entry above. Relationships are scary, but the way I look at it is I got through a divorce so getting over everyday relationship issues has got to be a piece of cake. And I want to believe that the person that I am supposed to be with won’t cause me to be fearful anyways, at least, that is what I am praying for. As for feeling like I lost a part of who I was during/after the divorce. I don’t think that statement that I made was accurate. I really believe that being in an unhealthy relationship/marriage was what caused me to lose a part of who I was. In a healthy relationship you grow together, but I don’t believe you lose yourself. So I think what I really should have said was this….I had lost a part of who I was being in an unhealthy relationship/marriage for almost 8 years and the unease and pain I was feeling after the divorce was the healing process. The process of me finding myself again. That’s what I should have said. For the first time in almost 8 years (coincidence, I don’t think so), I am finally feeling like myself again. Strong. Confident. Happy. Independent. Stubborn. Funny. Kind. Worthy of love. Worthy of respect. Worthy of a good man. I think the most important thing that I am beginning to feel again is the yearning the drive to fight for life, to fight for what I want. I had lost that will to fight. Boxing gloves are on……DING DING! It’s round 1 and I am favored to WIN! 🙂