**I originally posted this on January 3, 2012.
Written: July 14, 2011
“Change is never easy. You fight to hold on and you fight to let go.” -The Wonder Years
“I could hold on a little tighter, I know, but when you love someone you gotta let them go, I’m gonna smile cause I wanna make you happy, laugh so you can’t see me cry, I’m gonna let you go in style and even if it kills me, I’m gonna smile.” – Lonestar
“Your wrinkles either show that you’re nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you’re always smiling.” -Carlos Santana
It’s been one month today. Why have I not really cried since the divorce? I cried a good 2 or 3 cries previously, but not at all what I expected. Of course, I am not really sure what I expected. It’s not like they hand out a “how to” guide on divorce the day you get married. I , for one, know that I wouldn’t have taken it anyway because I was in LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE! 🙂 Next time around, I might take the guide…..oh wait, I’ll be an expert by then. Duh! Alright, obviously, I am still working on the bitter part. I don’t want to be that way. I want to be just as in love, preferably more, on the day of my next (and last) wedding and be A LOT more prepared and intelligent about what is to come.
One day at a time, that is all I can do. The optimistic part of me would love to believe that each day it gets a little easier and I hurt a little less. However, if I am being realistic, I am never sure how I will be on a day-to-day basis. Heck, sometimes, I am not sure how I will be on a minute to minute or second to second basis. I have learned to just go with the feeling that I have at the moment because there is a reason that I am feeling it and I choose to believe that if I let myself feel the way I am feeling at the moment then a little healing gets done and I can move forward, even if it’s just a millimeter. Hey folks, it’s progress! Celebrate life’s little victories! It makes the big ones seem even more special! 🙂
Something else that I have learned is that divorce makes me seem bipolar and extremely nuts and/or hormonal!! Did I mention how much fun this divorce thing is? Cuz it’s a blast! I truly recommend it for people who feel the need to experience the feeling of a mental disease. (Obviously, I’m kidding! Please, don’t start calling your lawyers.) Seriously, my mind picks the smallest and weirdest things to strike a chord and spark a memory in my heart. For example, just the other night, simply picking out a DVD to watch by myself made me have a small breakdown in my bedroom, alone with tears and all. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to watch, which sparked a memory. My ex and I were huge collectors of movies (had at least 250, so we each ended up with easily 100 and something movies after the divorce). We always went to bed with a movie on and when we were having trouble agreeing on a movie we had our own special system. I would go through and pick out the ones I wanted to watch, then he would go through and pick out the ones he wanted to watch, and then we would play rock-paper-scissors until we were down to one movie and that would be the movie we would watch. At that moment, on my bedroom floor, I realized that I didn’t have anyone to play rock-paper-scissors with anymore. Stupid to some, but huge for me. Certain shows remind me of him or quotes from movies because we use to play “guess that quote” together all the time. Even watching the way my parents run their household drives me straight into a breakdown at times because it’s not the way we had run our household. All my worldly possessions are still locked up in boxes in a storage building that is currently 5 hours away. That’s how I feel about my life sometimes like I am just locked up in a box, and everything that I use to be is sitting in storage waiting for me to find my way back again. The question is, will I find my way back to that person again? Do I even want to find my way back to that person? The smallest of things can spark a memory that runs so deep that each time I feel like I am losing a piece of who I am, or at least who I use to be.
The upside to all these small breakdowns is I think I heal a little each time, even if it feels like I don’t. I have also learned that with the breakdowns you have to remember to count the smiles too. I could be crying and the next moment a smile will sneak its way onto my face. Those are the good moments, the good days when a smile is counted. I am holding out for the days where breakdown will be less and smiles will be more. When I look back on my life, I know that I will remember certain bad times, but I hope that I have more memories of smiles than frowns or tears. Like Carlos Santana said, “your wrinkles either show that you’re nasty, cranky, and senile or that you’re always smiling.” I truly pray for my wrinkles to come from always smiling. So I’m going to take my small breakdowns one at a time and I’m going to keep on counting the smiles, one wrinkle at a time. 🙂