We Said the “D” Word, Now What?

**I originally posted this on October 21, 2011. These older posts about my divorce are not easy for me to re-visit, but I feel like they are worth sharing on this new blog. The divorce is a part of me and a part of what shaped me into the person I am today. I also started this blog to encourage people so I feel the need to share for people out there that might be going through what I went through.

Divorce2

Written: March 6, 2011

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” -Margaret Atwood

“I hate failure and that divorce was a number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.” -Lucille Ball

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” -Helen Rowland

“Divorce is an embarrassing public admission of defeat.” -Tracy Letts

“Divorce is one of the most stressful life events anyone goes through. Only the loss of a loved one and moving are even in its class, difficulty-wise–and divorcing generally involves both of those as well. Even when you are the one initiating the divorce, the enormous changes that result are bound to throw you off and leave you feeling, at the very least, a bit lost.” -Emily Doskow

According to Merriam-Webster, divorce is the action or an instance of dissolving a marriage and it’s first known use was during the 14th century. When you look at it that way it makes divorce sound so cut and dry…..almost simple. (added October 20, 2011)

March 6, 2011

We finally said it. The dreaded “D” word. The one word that we were told to never use during our pre-marital counseling. (Wow-that was almost 5 years ago!) We’ve been saying “it’s over,” and “I don’t want to do this anymore,” for months, since before Christmas, but this is the first time we have actually used that word. I asked, “so this means a divorce?” and he says, “yeah.” So that’s it, our marriage summed up in one word: yeah. Not the word that I was betting on almost 5 years ago. Had you asked me 5 years ago to sum up our marriage in one word I would have used: forever. Forever. That’s what “I do” is suppose to mean, right? It’s been 12 hours since that conversation and I have finally gotten myself up and out of bed and no, I know what you are thinking that means. I haven’t been laying in bed crying for 12 hours….quite the opposite actually. I’ve just been laying. No tears. Not much of anything really. I’m feeling kind of numb. Is the pain going to gradually sneak in? Or is it going to catch me off guard with a huge knife to my heart? I’m going to cry, aren’t I? I mean, I cried when we moved into separate bedrooms and I cried when he moved out a few weeks ago. I feel like I am on auto-pilot. I have a list of things that need to get accomplished and I am doing them. Now I just have to add divorce to that list. I have so many questions running through my head, here are just a few:

Why us?     Why me?     What’s wrong with me?     Is God angry?     Did I let God down?     What will my family think?    Will my family be mad at me?     Will my family think I failed?     Will some family members say “I told you so?”     How do I tell my mom?     How do I tell any of my family?     What do I say when they ask why?     How do I explain?     Will I ever be forgiven?    How do I forgive myself?     How do I forgive him?     How do I let him go?     How do I let our marriage go?     What do I say to his family?     Does his family hate me?     What’s the point?     What’s next?     How much more can I handle?     WHY? WHY? WHY? 

I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like such a failure. This is not how my life was supposed to end up. What do you do when all your plans fall flat? I feel hollow like someone took a huge carving knife and carved out my heart. He was my best friend. I want to pick up the phone and tell him all my problems, but he is my problem at the moment. For the first time in almost 8 years, I feel like I can’t talk to him about something. We use to tell each other everything. Somewhere along the way, we decided we weren’t worth fighting for anymore. Fighting is a sign of life in a relationship, I think. Fights show that you still feel like the marriage is WORTH fighting for. We stopped fighting over the last year and then we gradually stopped talking as well. We stopped kissing each other hello, goodbye,  good night, and eventually, we just stopped kissing each other. It got to a point that I didn’t even realize we shared a bed together anymore. We existed together; we didn’t live together anymore.

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