“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” –
“Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it.” –
“Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.” –
“Have God make a message out of your mess.” –
**This was written in July 2018. This post is the reason I decided to start blogging again. I needed something to get me out of my pit. I thought I would share. I think I started my blog back up about a week after this was written. I look back at this now and I am so glad I made a choice to be proactive and not stay in this place of feeling completely alone. I still have my rough days, but I am in such a better place now. Amen to that. It is never too late to turn things around. Don’t be scared to take a hold of your own life. Joyce Meyer said it perfectly “have God make a message out of your mess.”
My boys are beautiful. My husband works hard for the roof over our head, the food on our table, the clothes on our back, the cool air coming from the vents, so why do I feel so uninspired? Why am I not feeling “happy” about this life that I have prayed for my entire life? I prayed for a family. I prayed to be a wife. I prayed to be a mother. So why isn’t my life good enough?
About six years ago, I was doing great in my career. I started off as a secretary at the District Office for Texas AgriLife Extension, which is a part of Texas A&M. AgriLife is an educational agency that has a statewide network of trained volunteers, county offices, and professional educators that help deliver research-based education programs and solutions for everyone in Texas. In just six months, I worked my way up from secretary to District Office Manager. I was in charge of over twenty counties and their different agents, and I was only 25 years old. It felt good to be in that position and to be so young. I worked my butt off for it. I closed the office at 5:00 pm, but I rarely left before 8:00. I felt like I had a lot to prove since I was so young. This position made me feel strong, confident, significant, and vital to the office. It was a good feeling to feel important. Once I got married I had to move an hour and a half away so I quit my job and shortly after that I got pregnant.
I’m not completely naive to think that my boys and husband don’t need me. Sometimes, I just feel like I took a step back. I feel like I have lost my identity. I am now a wife, mother, cook, maid, etc…..Lana has taken a backseat for the last four or five years. It is a vicious, evil cycle. I don’t regret staying home with my boys, but sometimes I miss the Lana I was before kids, then the guilt takes hold and I start berating myself for not being a better and more grateful mom.
I need to get over myself. I need to quit complaining. I need to feel inspired again. I have always prided myself in being stubborn and working hard for what I want. So why am I here? Why am I ok with just functioning in this life? I want to be a happy person for myself and my kiddos need a happy mama.
You have to figure something out, Lana. Figure something out now. You deserve better than this. God doesn’t make mistakes. He gave you those boys for a reason. So find a way to be inspired with the thought that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Do it. Do it now.