“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Matthew 7:24-27
“For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 3:11
I fully intend on going back to my topic of prayer, but something has been placed on my heart over the last few days. I was driving, on my way to take my son to pre-k, and song after song kept coming on the radio that centered around the concept that you need to draw your strength from Christ, have faith that He knows what he is doing, and God already has everything written. Have you ever had one of those moments where every single song seemed to be talking to you, directly meant for you and you alone to hear? I was just shaking my head up and down…yes! Yep! Yes! And then something clicked for me. I had a moment where I went, “ah. I get it. I get it, Lord.”
This past year has been a difficult one. I have briefly touched on it here and there, moments where I would offhandedly mention how badly I have been challenged in my personal life and how my anxiety was so bad a few months ago I had to be put on an anti-anxiety medication. However, even though it does have to do with my family, it is not my story to tell, in detail. I can, however, write about how I am feeling and how I am trying to deal with it. Over the past 6-8 months, I have been working on forgiveness of others, forgiveness of myself, letting go of control and letting go of this idea of how life should be. I have also been praying very hard that others (especially my sons) can see Christ love through me, but I have been struggling because I couldn’t let go of this one thought that would constantly creep back into my brain, my heart, my thoughts…even after every single prayer it would come back and my heart would ache all over again.
My family was breaking. My Mom and Dad had decided to get a divorce after 29 years of marriage. The thought that kept running through my head was my foundation is gone, it has shattered beneath me. I felt like my identity was gone. Who was I now? My rock, my strength was gone. I felt like I was completely alone. Everything was different. Everything that I knew for 29-30 years was gone. My first emotion was anger. Why? This is stupid! Why?!? 29 years! Then I was just overcome by sadness and a feeling of loss. I felt alone and defeated.
The truth is that I had a good reason to feel the way I was feeling, but I was also completely wrong, in a certain sense. I was perfectly right to grieve. Grieve the loss of my parent’s marriage, the image of my family that I had held in my brain my entire life, and to mourn the “old” family. But the “aha” moment that came to me this week made me realize that while I should feel sad, I shouldn’t feel alone and I shouldn’t feel like my foundation was shattered and I shouldn’t be facing an identity crisis. You see my mistake was giving my parents, my family, too much power. I love my parents, but I had them placed up on a pedestal. High, high up on a pedestal. So high in fact that I had forgotten that they are only human. And what do ALL human do? They sin and they will undeniably let you down. Now they might not let you down out of malice or because they are a bad person, but people will let you down because they are only human. Humans make mistakes. Yes, even our parents. That was on me. I had placed my footing on an already fractured rock that couldn’t hold the weight (expectations) that I was placing on it.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
My foundation, my identity should always rest in Christ alone and no one else. Yes. We should love our families. Yes. We should turn to them to direct us and to help us make the right choices. But we must remember they are only human and they can be lost too. I lost sight of my end goal. God says to cast all your anxiety and fear onto Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). No matter who might let me down. No matter what troubles may come. My foundation will NEVER shatter IF I have chosen to place my life on the foundation of Jesus Christ. “On Christ the solid rock I stand; All other ground is sinking sand.”
So, did my parents let me down? Did my parents disappoint me? Did my parents choice turn my world upside down and break my heart? Yes. But I will be ok because their love for me never changed and I have faith in a higher power. My God says it is written and that I will be ok.
So what am I doing now? After this moment of clarity? Well, first of all, I am sharing it with you guys and praying that it touches someone that needs a moment like the moment I had. 🙂 I am praying for my parents. I am praying for healing. I am praying for strength. I am praying that one day, very soon, God gives me the courage to sing at the top of my lungs “it is well, it is well with my soul,” and actually mean it. 🙂 I realize that my family isn’t gone, it is just changing, evolving into something different, something new.
I know You’re good;
But this don’t feel good right now.
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
Thy will be done
–Thy Will, Hillary Scott & The Scott Family