Dear MaMaw,

Mamaw

My Dearest MaMaw,

So much has changed since you left us. I have had so much going on and so many changes this past year. 2018 has been rough on me. I know you are smiling down on us from heaven. The hardest thing for me to digest is the fact you left us before you could become a great-grandma. My kids will never get the chance to know you like I did. Oh, you would love my boys, so very much. It has been 6 years since you have been gone. Some days I feel like you have been gone a lot longer and other days I feel like I just lost you yesterday. One thing I know for sure, if you were still here with me, I know exactly what you would be doing, what we would be doing, to get through this difficult phase of my life.  Keep On Reading!


My Darkest Hour: Helping Others Find The Light

TRIGGER WARNING: This post talks about the attempted suicide of a teenager. Please be aware and choose wisely before you continue.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Heartache

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” -Jeannette Walls

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” -Juliette Lewis

**I want to start by saying this post is not easy for me to write. My anxiety was triggered by this post multiple times while writing, but I kept coming back around to the feeling that it needs to be shared. Honestly, some of my friends and family are unaware of this and it has been 17 years, but I guess they will find out now. But this post is not just about me. It is so much bigger than me. I pray this reaches someone and makes them, at the very least, reconsider or reach out for help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

depression

It was September 7, 2001, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was 15 years Keep on Reading!


Nina Dell Bundick

**I originally posted this April 25, 2012. I love this woman.

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“A grandmother is a mom with lots of frosting.” -Author Unknown

“A house needs a grandma in it.” -Louisa May Alcott

“We should all have the one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, my grandmother was that person to me.” -Phyllis Theroux

“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” -Erma Bombeck

“Being pretty on the inside means you don’t hit your brother and you eat all your peas- that’s what my grandmother taught me.” -Lord Chesterfield

April 25, 2012

Nina Dell Bundick was a beloved mom and mamaw. She passed from this world on April 19,2012. I would like to introduce you to my grandmother, my MAMAW.

My mamaw was born on November 9, 1948. She would have celebrated 64 years this year. She was the 6th child of 9 children. She had two daughters. My mom and my Aunt Stacey. She had a total of 5 grand-kids. She passed while in the Methodist Hospital in San Antonio, Texas.

Now that we got the familiarities out of the way……I’m going to tell you what I remember about Nina Dell Bundick, my mamaw.

First and foremost, I remember that she was always there for me. I could truly call her anytime, day or night. I also think she is one of only a few, if not the only, grandmother that stays up later than her own grand-kids. Even before she got sick and started sleeping in her recliner, this woman was a night owl. She loved staying up and watching TV, usually, reruns of Walker Texas Ranger or Love Lucy. She also introduced me to the wonderful, the marvelous “midnight snack.” 🙂 You truly could not go to bed at her house before partaking in this said event. My mamaw went ALL OUT! She had all sorts of goodies in her cabinets…….Fritos and bean dip, ice cream, chocolate, homemade cookies of all kinds, homemade Rice Krispie treats, and homemade cakes and pies, to name just a few. If our particular cravings were not satisfied by what we found in her kitchen then it was not beyond us to make a trip to Wal-Mart or a 24 hour drive through….after all, sleep could not be had without this “midnight snack.”  We made several trips to places like McDonald’s and Taco Bell. One thing we definitely had in common was our love for refried beans and potatoes, fixed any way imaginable!! We also had a theory that we were working on proving, that greasy french fries must always be consumed while eating Mexican Food. Any time we ate at a Mexican Food restaurant we would order what we wanted and order the BIGGEST order of fries they had to share. 🙂 Everyone thought we were crazy, but we knew that this theory has steam behind it and we were just doing the research to prove it. Hahaha……. She was also a lover of Schwan’s. I remember that every time I stayed the weekend with her fried catfish and round tater tots from Schwan’s was at least one of our meals. We stayed up on Saturday nights to watch new episodes of Dr. Quinn Medicine Women and Walker Texas Ranger. On the Saturday nights, we weren’t together, a phone call was made from one of us to the other to discuss what took place. The conversations usually circled around…….” when oh when, are Sully and Dr. Quinn going to finally get together?” and “how much longer can they put off Alex and Walker being a couple? Did you see that look they shared tonight?” Our breakfasts consisted of McDonald’s hash browns or donuts. On the mornings that my parents and little brother stayed at her house too, we would always offer to go pick up the donuts only because we were just caring and giving people…………….or maybe because we had a secret. We would order the donuts they wanted and we would always get us a dozen donut holes and we would make sure to get them eaten before we got back to the house. However, sometimes we weren’t as sneaky with our secrets as we thought we were. For example, one night my mom caught us….oops! 🙂 We had left a rodeo and I rode with mamaw. Mom, dad, and my brother rode together in another vehicle. Well, on the way back to her house we decided we needed something in our tummies before we just blew away from hunger so I do the honorable thing of course and call my parents…..

“Hey, mamaw needs some shaving creme from Wal-Mart. Be a little later than you guys.”

“Ok, let me talk to mamaw for a second.”

They talk and mamaw says goodbye and puts her phone down. Little did I know that she didn’t hang it up correctly. Oops. We proceed to laugh and say we can’t believe they fell for that, we will just run to Taco Bell and have it eaten before we get back to her house, they will never know………..blah, blah, blah…….laugh, laugh, laugh. Then I hear it……

“Lana. Lana Nicole. LANA NICOLE.”

It’s my mom calling my name on the phone that didn’t get hung up correctly. Needless to say, we picked her up a taco too. 🙂

She is the only person I know that could break her foot jumping up out of bed to answer the phone. However, to show you a little about how important her job as a nurse was…she went onto work that night with a broken foot. Then spent the next few weeks in a cast and rolling around the hospital in a wheelchair.

We loved eating raw carrots and miracle whip. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. I remember several times eating this concoction while on the drive home from her house, just her and I. Somehow a carrot always got dropped in the miracle whip jar, and I was the one that had to dig it out. She claims it was because I had smaller hands, but I think she just enjoyed watching me lick the miracle whip off my fingers, arm, and elbow. 🙂

This is only a few of the precious memories that I have of my grandmother. I am sure I will be sharing more in the weeks and months to come. This is my way of healing. I hope you enjoy the stories.

my-mamaw

November 9, 1948, to April 19, 2012


Allowing Myself to Feel, In Order to Heal

**I originally posted this on April 21, 2012. This was definitely not an easy post for me to revisit. However, my Mamaw was a HUGE part of my life and she truly was a person that helped shape me into the person I am today. She deserves to be remembered, to be honored.

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“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” -Oscar Wilde

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.” -Nicholas Sparks

“Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” -Brian Jacques

“Feel, he told himself, feel, feel, feel. Even if what you feel is pain, only let yourself feel.” -P.D. James

This is definitely not the blog post that I was wanting to sit down and write. My grandmother passed away on April 19, 2012. This blog post isn’t going to be organized. It’s not going to seem too thought out. It’s going to seem a little raw. However, to be honest with you…this isn’t for you. It’s for me. I’m allowing myself to feel the gamut of emotions so that I can heal. I have said several times on my blog that writing is my outlet, it helps me to get the words out on paper. Writing heals my soul and if along the way I can touch one individual then that is why I do this. The post won’t be perfect. I didn’t try and do an outline. I’m not even sure what will come of this, but I look at this post as an extension of myself. My first step in the process of letting her go and coming to peace with it. So I invite you on this journey with me….take it or leave it. This is me. Keep On Reading!